Friday, February 1, 2019

To The Inventor of Snap Jammies

Dear Inventor of Snap Up Pajamas for Babies and Toddlers,

    I'd like a word with you. With all due respect, what in the world made you believe that snap up clothing, specifically pajamas, for children was a decent idea? Actually making the legs of pants is not something I'm really feeling. I am not a seamstress nor am I a tailor. I would like my clothing "done," essentially, ready to wear. I can only assume you have never wrestled an alligator slicked up with olive oil, because if you had, you might get a picture of what it's like to get a fresh out of the bath-delightfully smelling-lotioned up toddler into his pajamas. Once their arms are in (and a huge thank you for putting the arm slots together for us....maybe in the future you can finish making the legs too? Shrug emoji), you might find yourself sweating profusely and wondering how, at 31 years old, healthy, and sort of in shape thanks to Boot Camp classes, (but also not because Crumbl cookies, I'll give you that), you're feeling like you're on the final leg of a triathalon.

Ok, arms done, half way there. But then.....the leg holes are not there. They're missing and in their place you discover.....flaps? fabric swatches? extra material? A factory reject? No. You discover, painfully, that those darling pajamas, half way on your precious offspring, require you to MAKE THE FREAKING LEGS. You need to snap together the fabric flaps to fashion the leg parts. What in the actual hell is that about?? So you start snapping....and snapping....and snapping. At this point, you might need a drink. Usually you reach for ice water (remember how you're sweating profusely?) but you really desire something stronger. But you decide to wait until the tot is in bed to bust out the pinot.

  The toddler has had enough of the "mom's trying to make me pajamas out of actual fabric" and he's jumped ship. He's trying to get away and really? Can you blame him? He's a smartie, he knows this might just be beyond the skill set of his dear ol' mom. You get reinforcements. Mom AND dad are on it. It's people! Pajamas! How hard can this be? We have 2 masters degrees between us. We're homeowners, educators, responsible members of society who pay our taxes, but making the pants for our son's pajama sleeper completely eludes us.

We start snapping with abandon, connecting fabric pieces here and there....a leg shape begins to emerge. We got this, people! Our son will not go to bed like a nudist, these pajamas are ours to conquer! Parent win! But then we discover a rogue snap, with no place for it go. We must have skipped somewhere between snap 70 and snap 95. So, as you can see, dear clothing designer, snap jammies are evil and we just can't have it anymore. We are zipper people from here on out. Next time you question my decision, I urge you to try making your own jeans from a tablecloth made of denim. Hard, isn't it?
PS) In "researching"for this post, I found some forums where people prefer the snap jammies because then their little one can stay toasty warm during a diaper change without unzipping the front. Aaaaand I'm officially the meanest mom ever?

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