Saturday, August 12, 2017

How Embracing my "Biker Chick Baby" Helped me Heal

How's that title for some click bait? Haha. But before I begin, I must disclose, I don't know how theologically sound these ideas are. I'm not sure if they're necessarily true or if pastors, rabbis, priests would agree with me. Nevertheless, my daughter died and this helped me heal. You do you, sister. No judgies from me. 

What has brought me more peace than anything in the wake of Hadley's death is that she is now fully 100% herself. I am filled with joy thinking she's walking around in heaven giving the "Hadley Eye" when something seems off to her. I love thinking of her on her baby Harley (she also strikes me as a "Big Wheel" sort of kid) riding around the clouds just being her and doing her thing. I love how she's a fighter. She's tough. She's sweet and kind, but my baby girl also takes no junk from anyone. The other day AJ and I were driving south on I-15 and passed the Harley Davidson place. I said, "Look! It's Hadley's store!" AJ and I laughed and smiled thinking of our gal. It's moments like this that warm my heart and make me grateful I brought this unique little human into the world. We never viewed Hadley as "just a baby," but a real, live person.

Thinking of Hadley in heaven as a docile little angel baby who listens well, obeys and is a perfect little cherub actually makes me sad. Because that's not the Hadley I know. I believe in a God who creates us each unique and full of character. I believe in a God who is kind and gracious and looks upon his people, as who they are, and sees that they are good. The God I believe in lets us be fully, completely ourselves and loves us anyway. He loves us because of who we are and in spite of who we are. He loves the Hadley who needed her arms and legs bound down after birth because she was so wild. He loves the Hadley who would make us have to start NST's over again because she'd kick her cord so hard. He loves the Hadley who was with us for over 5 hours when we were told we'd have but ten minutes to say goodbye. He loves the Hadley who danced to country music in the womb. He loves the Hadley I know. And He lets her be her and that fills my momma heart with joy and peace.

What's helped me heal is knowing that if I can't have my baby, then God's got her. Just the way she is. She's still her, and I'm still me. And we're just two gals, on opposite sides of this life, just doing our thing and trying to be our best selves.

She's been in heaven for around 14 months now. Please give her grace, Lord, she means well. And thank you for letting my baby be herself. Love, Hadley's Mommy

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